It’s October, and with that sharp chill in the air and the crunch of leaves underfoot come October-related questions: What’s the best temperature for roasting pumpkin seeds? Why do people still think that wearing a pink dress and going undercover as a “pink slip” is clever? Did kids always go trick-or-treating in the early afternoon? And, of course which is scarier: a secular haunted house, or a spiritual one?

Over a crisp fall weekend, we set out to answer that last question with visits to Hell House at St. Ann’s Warehouse and Nightmare: Face Your Fear at the Brooklyn Lyceum. The origins of these two haunted houses have very little in common: At Hell House, experimental theater group Les Freres Corbusier provides a winking but faithful adaptation of  real Christian phenomenon designed to scare the Jesus into everybody—this one, in particular was inspired by the Hell House Outreach Kit from Denver’s Abundant Life Church Of Christ. Nightmare: Face Your Fear, on the other hand, takes its source material from the minds of thousands of New Yorkers polled about their 13 biggest fears. Though their approaches to fear-mongering are different, their structures are very similar: in both houses, small groups move through a series of rooms (Hell House has 11, counting the “Christian Hoedown” at the end; Nightmare has 13) that offer up creepy new scenarios or characters.

So, which prospect is more frightening—Jesus freaks or just plain freaks? Here are the results of our highly unscientific evaluation.

→ Scariest Atmosphere
Hell House
With its looming bridges, shadowy cobblestone streets, and questionable warehouses, DUMBO can feel creepy even without the threat of eternal damnation lurking around the corner. But even beyond the neighborhood, just stepping into the cavernous St. Ann’s Warehouse—filled with spooky undulating music and marked at the entrance by a stern wooden cross—provides the necessary sense of dread.

—Nightmare instills dread too, especially by providing a long list of fears (including cockroaches and rats) that can be encountered inside. But it’s more anticipatory than tension-filled, like waiting in line for a rollercoaster.

→ Scariest Audience Reaction
Nightmare
Reactions to scary things can vary widely, and there’s no better place to observe this than a haunted house. Some people tremble uncontrollably. Some close their eyes, some jump and scream. Others can’t stop smiling and giggling. Some even cry and beg to get out right now. All of these happened at Nightmare. One girl nearly hyperventilated when she was told to crawl through a small, dark hole. It was exciting.

—Hell House, on the other hand, mostly inspired a few startled jumps, uncomfortable glances, and a lot of nervous laughter—all of which make sense when you learn that simply reading The Onion is cause enough for demons to drag you off to Hell.

→ Scariest Gore
Hell House
Nothing could compare to the gore in the botched abortion room at Hell House. Fake blood is spattered on the walls, on a pretend patient’s legs, and on gauze pad after gauze pad. And then there’s the “specimen” pulled from under the patient’s skirt, something described in the real Hell House Outreach Kit as “a meat product that will resemble as much as possible the pieces of a baby that are being placed in the glass bowl for all to see.”

—Nightmare includes a scene in which a girl’s intestines are pulled out a blended into a smoothie.

→Scariest Room
Hell House & Nightmare (tie)
In Hell House, the most frightening room is, fittingly, Hell--a long, winding hallway lined with ghouls who wail, shriek, and grab at you while moaning about their own mistake. It's a dark, hot, cacophonous mess; when a winged angel comes to the rescue, it really does feel like a rescue.

In Nightmare, the scariest room is a narrow passage that you enter by crawling through a small doorway. Once there, everything is pitch-black, and the only sound is an incessant squeaking. Eventually, your group moves forward, only to be confronted by the biggest, weirdest, most menacing clown in existence.

→Least Scary Line Uttered by Haunted-House Inhabitants
Hell House & Nightmare (tie)
Hell House: “There’s womb for everyone.” —A devilish guide upon entering a giant representation of insides of the botched-abortion patient.

Nightmare: “I don’t know how you girls do this.”—One of the bloody masked attendants before tossing a maxi-pad toward his audience. (Why? That’s still unclear)—Amelie Gillette

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